


Shot through the Heart

by FaiaHae



Series: Cupid Syndrome [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Boyd Mosche and the no good very bad day, Boyd is so confused, Conversations while locked in a basement, Crack Treated Seriously, Idiots in Love, Multi, Sort of lovespells, Stern Finds Out, Taking wild creative liberties with aubrey's powers, The latest abomination was cupid, Valentines, Your valentines day extravaganza begins, and is likely to continue for like a week while I churn out this absolute mess, it's not so much a lovespell as a dial that shit up to 11 style spell, like a say goodbye to your impulse control spell, that should be a common tag, the ultimate enemy was LOVE ALL ALONG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-10-28 12:08:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17787131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaiaHae/pseuds/FaiaHae
Summary: ....and who's to blame, again?The next abomination isn't killing anybody outright, but it delivers it's message directly, with three magical arrows after the three members of the pine guard. Maybe if anyone had reacted sensibly, this would have been an open and shut case.But of course, when love's involved...





	1. Giving love a bad name

Ned got the unfortunate distinction of being the first target (by about .5 seconds), not that he was aware of it at the time. Actually, he wasn’t aware of much of anything. He was sitting in his van outside the Amnesty Lodge with Boyd: fighting, as they usually were. Ned wanted to end this conversation dramatically and permanently, and he was debating whether he wanted to punch Boyd in the face or kiss him when the arrow went through the windshield and into his chest.

 

Well, not through, exactly. It warped into existence inside the car with no origin point at a considerable velocity. 

 

_ That _ shut Boyd up, and Ned would have been more satisfied about that fact if he didn’t have a  _ big and sparkly pink arrow in his chest.  _ It was...not incorporeal, exactly, Ned could certainly feel it. It just didn’t hurt. Warmth spread from the site of the wound, and as Ned looked down, trying to pinpoint the feeling, he spotted the gift tag hanging from the fletching. 

 

It read, in a looping cursive he knew on some level he shouldn’t be able to read:

 

_ Before it’s too late. _

 

And then it shattered, but the feeling didn’t go away. In fact, it spread- twisting his chest and down to his fingers, swooping his stomach, and-

 

And-

 

Oh, fuck.

 

Ned gritted his teeth against the horrifically familiar sensation.   
  
“Boyd, I need you to knock me out.”

  
“I- What?”

  
“Knock me out, drag me into the lodge, and tell Mama what happened.”

 

“Tell who, what?? Ned were you just shot?! What the hell was that?”

 

“Boyd.” Ned was trying really hard to keep calm, but his voice came out...husky. And weird.

 

“Boyd, I need you to trust me, because I’m trusting you. Hit me in the neck. Now.”

 

Boyd gulped, and then he must have moved  _ very fast _ , because Ned was unconscious before he even registered that there was a hand on his neck. He felt a swell of affection for his partner. Trust and trust, again.

 

__

 

Duck was outside Indrid’s door, arguing furiously with himself.  _ Tell him you’re here for personal reasons tell him you’re here for personal reasons tell him you’d like to take him to dinner it’ll be fine- _

 

He raised his hand to knock, and Indrid flung the door open. Not in his usual casual way of knowing exactly when people were going to arrive, but in a panic.

  
“DUCK WATCH OUT-”

 

Duck was not combat ready, at the moment, given that he’d been here to ask Indrid out for Valentines day, and anyway- the warning had come too late for him to do anything about it. The arrow manifested in the air a foot in front of his chest and hit its target, despite Indrid lunging towards him. 

 

They both went down in a tangle of limbs, Indrid laying across Duck’s chest as he swore in languages Duck wasn’t sure were still spoken on either of their worlds. He reached for the arrow, and as he did, Duck saw the tag.

 

He didn’t really have enough time to read it, but as it shattered, he found that he knew what it said.

 

_ Hold on to what you have. _

 

And then Duck felt warm.

 

Very, very warm.

 

He smiled at Indrid, totally forgetting his hesitation. 

 

“Hey, could I ask you to dinner?”

 

__

 

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Stern was far faster than anyone had been expecting. 

 

The arrow had pretty clearly been intended for Aubrey, materializing about 3 feet back in the open air of the Amnesty lodge. The other two had been closer range due to a lack of space, but this should have been a clear shot: Aubrey was on the couch with her hat in her lap talking to Dani and distracted by the proper wording of a Valentines Day date offer. She would never have gotten out of the way fast enough.

But she didn’t get out of the way, because Stern attempted to get  _ in _ the way. He dove off of the armchair, chest out, arms open, and he took the shot in the center of his chest.

 

Aubrey thought that Stern was probably wearing a bulletproof vest, was probably prepared for a bullet, but whatever he felt when the arrow went through him-  through him and into Aubrey’s chest, where it stayed- had him staggering. He half turned, and Aubrey- half in shock- saw his gaze fall on Barclay, in the doorway to the kitchen.

 

And Stern  _ smiled _ , really smiled, with the warmth couples get when they’ve been married for years, and his knees gave out. 

 

He went down right as the front door was thrown open and a man that Aubrey didn’t recognize hauled ass inside, hauling  _ Ned’s _ ass behind him.

 

“I- Arrow- which one of you is Mama he told me to-”

 

The man in the doorway stopped dead, and Aubrey followed his gaze to the arrow in her chest. There was a pink gift tag on the translucent shaft, oddly solid looking against the shimmer. It read  _ Seize the day or never hold it again. _

 

The arrow shattered the moment the words entered her head, the tag floating down to her lap. She stared at it in shock, and then flinched as warmth bloomed in her chest. It felt- it felt- it felt like a lot of things. It felt like she was having a hot flash. She was blushing, and something in her face must have alarmed Mama because she felt the prick of a tranq in her neck and she barely had time to be offended before the dark bloomed around her again. 


	2. Play your part

Stern woke up to the sound of voices, which probably wasn’t good. He grimaced as his memory came back to him. The fact that he was hearing people talking around him ruled out the possibility that he’d been dreaming. He took a deep breath and immediately kicked himself for not continuing to pretend to be asleep. He was a terrible FBI agent. Thankfully, none of the people around him seemed to notice.

 

“I still don’t get why we’re locked down here. I felt fine! I mean, a little embarrassed, but I always feel that way when Dani smiles at me.”

 

Stern assigned a face to the voice as he slowed his breathing again. Aubrey Little. The one he’d jumped in front of when the-

 

What was that? The arrow? Fuck, this really wasn’t his department. Well it was, but-

 

There was a sigh from a little further away.

“Well that’s all well and good for you Aubrey, we all know that Dani would have been happy to go to dinner with you.” Duck Newton, forest ranger. Sounding....decidedly bitter.

 

“I got all hazy and tried to ask out Indrid, and he tied me up and threw me into the back of my _own car_ to take me over here. I’m kind of inclined to take that as a _no_ , frankly, but the whole time he was in my line of sight I felt weird. Like...not that I support the use of illegal substances, but-”

 

“Oh cut the shit Duck, we all know you keep weed in your car.” Ned Chicane, also sounding rather short-tempered. Stern vaguely remembered seeing someone dragging him into the lobby right before the his heart had tried to burst out of his chest and he passed out.

 

“You felt kinda high?” Aubrey sounded amused. “I guess I understand, not that I would know-”

 

“Aubrey, you have definitely stolen my weed.”

 

“-yeah okay. But it was just like...like falling in love all over again? Like when you open an old photo album at look at the pictures and you just...”

 

“Yeah.” Ned Chicane sounded so miserable that Stern was actually starting to feel guilty for eavesdropping. He felt the couch shift, mentally placing Aubrey at the end of it as she cleared her throat.

 

“Was that man who came in....”

 

A chair screeched along the floor, and Stern heard Ned set himself down with a creak.

 

“Not anything to me. Not anymore. Fucked that up a long time ago.”

 

Stern decided that enough was enough and he wasn’t going to overhear anything else this way and shifted, blinking in the way that people did when they’d only just woken. He liked to consider himself a decent actor, but the look Duck shot him from where he was leaning against the wall said he hadn’t fooled everybody in the room.

 

Aubrey, for her part, immediately took the opportunity to swing her legs up onto the couch where Stern’s had been as he sat up.

 

“Oh hey, Agent Stern! Can I just say i’m super sorry? For getting you mixed up in this?”

 

“Aubrey-” Ned’s tone was sharp, but Aubrey just stuck her tongue at him.

  
“He’s locked in the basement with us, Ned, I don’t think the truth’s going to be any worse then the other assumptions he could make.”

Stern got a little panicked at the mention of being locked in a basement, but as he looked around he saw this was a far cry from the saw-esque scenario those words called to mind. They were in what looked to be the lounge of an apartment- a tiny kitchenette off to one side, a few more doors down a hallway, including one that was reinforced steel.1

 

“Where are we?”

 

“Amnesty Lodge.” Duck answered that one, and Ned twisted over the back of the chair to glare at him. Duck glared right back.

 

“Aubrey’s right. The truth is honestly better then how this is gonna look if we let him draw his own conclusions. He’s gonna think this is some Saw scenario where we’re all locked down here and the TV’s gonna light up with instructions on how ta’ murder each other, and honestly Ned, I’d rather just skip it. Let’s just. Deal with this, and once we’ve dealt with it, we can figure out what the fuck we’re gonna do about the rest of it.”

 

“You don’t have to tell him _everything-”_

 

Aubrey winced.

 

“I mean, Ned, we kinda do.”  
  
“We could just kill him.”

  
Stern choked out “I’d rather you didn’t” at the same moment as Aubrey said “Barclay would be sad.”2

 

“He would? I mean. Um.”3

 

Aubrey shot Ned a smug look (in full view of him, dammit, how did any of these people keep secrets?)

 

Ned sighed.  
  
“Alright, but I’m not doing the exposition. We talk about our current situation, and if he has questions, you two can answer them.”  
  
Stern should have been more bothered by the fact that they were talking about him as though he wasn’t there, but he was mostly relieved that Aubrey and Duck nodded right away. Ned grimaced.

 

“Right. So. The latest abomination is love.”

 

“Or Cupid, at least.” Duck agreed, with a similarly grave expression.4

 

“Bit early for it.” Aubrey mused, thoughtfully. “But I guess it’s thematic.”

 

“Yeah the arrow going straight into my chest felt pretty fuckin’ thematic.” Ned growled. Aubrey seemed to remember something, going for her pocket.

 

“There was a note on mine-” She pulled it out. “Seize the day or never hold it again. That mean anything to you guys?”

 

Duck sighed.

 

“There was one on mine too, but it poofed with the arrow. It said ‘hold on to what you have.’”

 

Aubrey hummed, pulling her legs up underneath her to think.

 

“So I think since mine stuck around, we should assume it’s the end of the message. What about yours, Ned?”

 

Ned chicane looked _deeply_ uncomfortable.5

 

“Are you sure it’s relevant?”

 

“Ned.” Duck sounded very clipped. “I didn’t want to talk about mine either. Spill.”

 

Ned sighed.

 

“ _Before it’s too late._ ”

 

They all took a second to think about that, Aubrey tapping her fingers on the arm of her chair.

  
“So that works in either order but..... _Hold on to what you have before it’s too late. Seize the day or never hold it again._ ”

They all took a second to think about that, letting the gravity of it sit on their shoulders. Stern was just as surprised as everyone else when he spoke.

 

“Is that a threat for us, or for...” He trailed off, realizing he may have assumed too much, but Aubrey grimaced.

 

“It could go either way, or both. I don’t know about Barclay, because you weren’t an intended target- Oh! Oh let me take a look.”

 

Aubrey grabbed him by the shoulders and looked at him very intensely.6

 

After a moment, she winced, looking between him and the other two in the room.

 

“There’s.... Um, actually, I think you might be even more affected than we are. The light in your chest is _really big._ ”

 

“What do you think that’s going to mean?” 7

 

“Well-”

 

There was a sound from the door, and it opened. Barclay was standing in the doorway, looking flushed and sheepish, and Stern had about five clear seconds of thought before it hit him like a _bus._

 

The world narrowed down to a single point. Barclay _was_ the world. His chest burned, his mouth felt like it was filled with cotton, and his heart- his heart-

 

He felt the darkness come up to meet him as Barclay dove forward to catch him, his last sight the soft worry at the corners of those deep brown eyes, and then he was unconscious.

 

 

 

[1] He decided that figuring that out was a question for another time. Start from square one.

[2] It took him way longer than he cared to admit to figure out exactly what she’d said

[3] Fucking fabulous work Stern, A+, kicking ass and taking names.

[4] “abomination?” Stern asks Aubrey, quietly. She looked thoughtful for a minute, then just said “Real monsters.” Stern wanted to ask _as opposed to what_ but it seemed like he should pretend he was more on-board with this

[5] Stern empathized more then he was willing to admit.

[6] “What’s she doing?” he hissed out of the corner of his mouth. “Third eye shit.” Duck responded, not sounding alarmed in the slightest.

[7] Stern had never in his life thought to himself “I need an adult”. Not even when he wasn’t an adult himself. He was starting to see why people called the woman who ran the lodge ‘Mama’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Footnotes idea was courtesy of "There's No Telling Where We're Going, Or How We Got Here At All" by VigilantShadow, who also helped me figure out how the fuck to do it, so thank you on all counts!!


	3. Passion's a Prison

“Right.” Duck announced, crossing his arms, after Barclay had dropped off food for them and bolted out again like a nervous rabbit.

  
“I never thought I’d say this, but-”

 

“We need to break out of here.” Aubrey finished, grimacing.

  
Duck sighed.

  
“Yeah.”

 

Ned grumbled something, but at this point, neither of them were really expecting his cooperation. Duck just continued, not paying him any mind.

 

“I think the old guard know what’s up with this, and they just won’t tell us. Think we should go sorting through the archives?”

 

Aubrey sighed.

 

“It’s as good a place to start as any. And probably better to get to it before-”

 

“.....nng.” Stern twitched, shifting on the couch.

 

“-Stern wakes up.”

 

“-I what?”

 

Duck was vaguely satisfied to note that Stern was  _ definitely _ not faking that expression. Duck got the impression that most of an FBI Agent’s job was to  _ avoid _ looking like Stern did right now.

 

Aubrey sighed, starting her retreat to the library and calling back over her shoulder-

 

“Duck, you should check him over in the clinic.”

 

“...clinic? Aren’t we locked in a basement?” 

 

Duck winced in sympathy. Stern sounded utterly  _ fucked. _

 

“Technically, this is a basement. It’s just also a....base. And she’s right. Can you stand?”

 

Stern nodded, and then stayed totally still for about half a minute, frowning in concentration.

  
“Right.”

 

Duck reached under Stern and heaved him up, ignoring the strangled squawk he made.

 

“Don’t wiggle, because I will drop you, and then Barclay will kill me.”

 

The mention of Barclay had Stern looking a little dazed, but it didn’t send him into cardiac arrest, so Duck thought they were probably doing okay on that front. He set him down on the table and went through the basics- pulse, blood pressure. Everything was coming up fairly normal, thank God. The light that Aubrey saw had to be a bad thing, though. 

 

Duck was going through the motions as he thought. He’d felt weird when he was with Indrid, and certainly, his chest had felt pretty tight. But it hadn’t gotten anywhere near to the point where he felt like passing out.

 

He finished the inspection he could do, idly patting Stern on the shoulder as he called out-   
  
“Hey, Ned?”

 

“Yeah?”

  
“You were dragged in, right? Did you pass out the way Stern did?”

 

There was a very long silence, and Duck sighed.

 

“You didn’t, did you.”

 

“Well, not...exactly.”

 

“Ned, please tell me you didn’t knock yourself out.”

 

“I didn’t knock myself out.”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“....I got Boyd to do it for me.”

 

Duck groaned, turning on his heel toward the door so he could look at Ned when he yelled at him, but he was interrupted by Aubrey storming out of the library. Duck blinked.

 

“Uh, Aubrey. Not to have too much a throwback to when we met, but I’m gonna need you to extinguish your hands.”

 

Aubrey took a deep breath, and the fire in her hands flickered out.

  
“Sorry. You were right. They knew. Wanna know why this one’s so early?”   
  
“Why?”

 

Duck had a feeling he knew what she as going to say before she said it. 

 

“Because it broke containment. It’s been out for years.”


	4. Nowhere to run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was going to be part of Indrid's alt timelines, but then I realized that it was NOT funny. So here's what's going on upstairs (if you didn't check out the indrid cold accompaniment- the only thing you missed is that barclay showed Boyd the bigfoot form and he fainted.)

“Alright.” Indrid sounded pleasant enough, but Dani didn’t trust that tone. She remembered it from when Indrid was the seer in Sylvain.

 

“Now that Ned’s _old friend_ is out of action for the moment, can we cut the _shit_ , please.”

 

Mama scoffed.

 

“What shit?”

 

“I have no interest in sitting around pretending we don’t all know what this thing is and what it can do.”  


That genuinely threw Dani for a loop, but she didn’t form the words to ask the question as fast as Mama managed to spit them.

 

“And what would you know about what it can do, huh? Far as I can recall, you were absolutely no help-”

 

“Madeline.”

 

That shut Mama up, and Dani winced. She didn’t think she wanted to be in a 50 foot radius of Mama and Indrid really getting into it.

 

He sat back into the couch, casual as anything, tapping his long fingers on the flask he held in his hand. Dani was almost dead certain there was eggnog in it.

 

“Would you like to know what would have happened if I’d been wearing a pine guard patch that year?”

 

Mama looked stony, but Dani tucked her legs underneath her, took a deep breath, and went for it.

  
“What would have happened?”   


Indrid adjusted his glasses and smiled.

 

“I would have gone sprinting off into the woods and kidnapped Duck Newton.”

There was dead silence for a minute, and then Mama choked out-

 

“ _Really?”_

 

Indrid took a long swig from his flask.

 

“Normally I’d be all for telling you the longer version of the timeline, but this one doesn’t end so happily. You can imagine it. Duck Newton, 35 years old. He goes for a walk in the woods. He gets kidnapped by the mothman. He spends 12 hours trying to figure out what’s happening, and then at the end of the day, we both die. Roll credits.”

 

Mama winced.

  
“But we didn’t-”

 

“- _lose anyone_? No. because you pushed half the active agents through the portal and let the thing break containment.”

 

Dani’s fists clenched.

 

“I didn’t get hit last time, but-”  


“Yes.” Indrid read the rest of her sentence before she could say it. “The cost of that maneuver is the severing of the bond. I would also like to avoid that, if all possible. As much as Mr. Mosche will posture about it, he feels the same. Dani?”

 

She knew that he already had his answer, so she addressed Mama directly.

  
“I’m not giving up on Aubrey.”

 

They all looked expectantly at Barclay, Mama with just a touch more venom. He grimaced, but met her gaze head on.

 

“I’m sorry, Mama. I’m not going through that again.”

 

Indrid grinned.

 

“Well then. Shall we think of a plan?”


	5. You're a Loaded Gun

Aubrey was pacing, and as much as Duck loved her like a much younger sister, he was going to have to kill her.

He massaged his forehead.

 

“Aubrey-”

 

“I know, I know, sorry.”

 

She didn’t stop pacing. He put his head in his hands and tried to think. Dammit. He wished he could just ask her to take another look but she couldn’t seem to adequately describe what it was she was seeing earlier with the light. He wished he could-

 

....now there was an idea.

 

“Hey, Aubrey.” 

 

The steps paused. 

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You remember when we were fightin’ the beast and you set Ned’s cane on fire?”

 

Ned let out another little grumble, and as before, they ignored him.

 

“I didn’t  _ just _ set it on fire-”

 

“Right, yeah, that’s the idea. You can...enchant stuff, right? Like how indrid did for Billy? Like glasses?”

 

“Theoretically. What are you thinking?”

 

Duck grinned.

 

“I’m thinking I need to see what you see for a bit.”   
  


___

 

It took them far longer than any of them were comfortable with to locate a pair of spectacles, and Duck tried to ignore the discomfort he felt when he realized that they must have been Thacker’s, once. (They could have used Aubrey’s sunglasses, but Duck wanted to actually be able to see what was happening clearly, and had ignored how relieved Aubrey had looked at that.) Aubrey got to work on them, sitting on top of the table in the library surrounded by books, Ned finally getting out of the chair to go help her look for information to more accurately craft the spell and figure out next steps after that.

 

Duck went to go check on Agent Stern, because he’d gotten a sense that he’d done some kind of cosmic check to be able to see if he was going to do this unimpeded, and he’d failed.

 

Stern seemed to be getting twitchy about being asked to wait in the clinic, but smiled gratefully at Duck when Duck brought him water. 

 

“So.” Stern started, conversationally. 

 

“I’ve done as you asked and sat in here while you all....turned this place over looking for a pair of glasses. Can we get to the part where I can start asking you questions? I would really like to get to the part where I can ask you questions.”

 

Duck sighed, pulling out a chair and settling on it. He tried to ignore the instant relief of taking weight off his knees. Getting Old Sucked.

 

“Seems fair.”

 

“Right.” Stern opened his mouth.

 

And then he closed it again.

 

He tried again, and then just sighed.

 

“I am not even sure where to begin, if I can be honest.”

 

Duck snorted. Mama was really going to be pissed at him for not trying to withhold more information, but honestly, the poor man deserved something at this point.

 

He thought for a minute.

 

“So, I think I gotta tell you a story. And I think I better start with Ned’s, since it’s...why you’re here, really.”

 

Duck heard Ned call through the door- “-heard my name!”

  
Duck sighed.

  
“I’m telling Agent Stern about your bigfoot video!”

 

Ned threw open the door with the appropriate amount of drama, and Duck really shouldn’t have found Agent Stern trying to repress his pure childlike glee that funny, but this was a shitty situation and he had to get his kicks somewhere.

 

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean shouldn’t it be- uh...”

 

“It’s not like he can ask Barclay about it at the moment, Ned.”

 

The glee was starting to settle out now, with the mention of Barclay, and Stern was catching on that this was goddamn serious.

 

“I...” he seemed to take a moment to make a decision. “If this is about Barclay, then I’m absolutely not just going to take it to the FBI. I’d like to get all the information first before I draw any conclusions.”

 

Ned huffed, and then walked out, as Duck had been expecting him to. 

 

Honestly, Duck was just kind of amused at the implication that Stern would sell out absolutely any of them except Barclay. He supposed that was fair. 

 

“Alright, so let's start from brass tacks. You know how in the video bigfoot’s fightin’ a bigass bobcat? Like a mountain lion sized bobcat?”

 

Stern frowned.

 

“I wasn’t exactly focused on the  _ cat. _ ”

 

“Well, it wasn’t exactly a cat.”

 

Duck could see the math spinning around Stern’s head, and he sighed.

 

“I wish we had a pamphlet for this shit. Look, you know better than anybody that there are monsters out there. Thing is, ‘round here, our particular brand of monster appears in a radius that includes Kepler, and if we kill it fast, it never gets to leave. That bobcat was a corpse possessed by the thing we were fighting. It got dead. Bigfoot helped.”

 

Stern looked skeptical.

 

“...assuming I believe you, what does that have to do with Barclay?”

 

Duck must not have been able to keep his expression steady, because Stern’s eyes got  _ real big. _

 

“No.”

 

Aubrey swung open the door.

  
“No, what?’

“We were just gettin’ to the bit about Barclay bein’ bigfoot.”   
  


Aubrey nodded, her eyes comically magnified in Thacker’s glasses. Duck certainly doesn’t miss the fact that one of her eyes is bright orange, but he figures she’ll explain that when she’s ready.

 

“How’re you holding up, Agent Stern?”

 

Stern blinked, as though just coming back to himself.

 

“I am not....certain. This may seem strange but Barclay- Barclay doesn’t- didn’t- um. Murder. There were....murders. Linked to bigfoot.”

 

Aubrey winced.

 

“I think you’ll have to ask him about that yourself, but all he’s done since we’ve been a part of all this is protect us and protect the town. I don’t think he’s...who you thought he was.”

 

Stern seems to take this in stride, and Duck takes advantage of the time Stern is taking to process to hold out his hand for the glasses.

  
“Did you get ‘em workin’?”

 

“Think so. I can see the same things whether or not I have my third eye active, so they’re helping me. Ned didn’t want to try them, or something.”

 

Duck considered having to have a talk with Ned about his fuckin attitude, but the moment the thought crossed his mind, the image of Ned looking at the floor followed it.

 

_ Fucked that up a long time ago. _

 

Maybe Ned deserved a little bit of self-pity.

 

Duck sighed, lifting the glasses to his face as Aubrey palmed them to him.

 

He focused his attention on Stern, and  _ jesus _ , maybe he should have insisted Aubrey use the sunglasses. Stern’s chest was going up like a pink solar flare.

 

“That doesn’t look so good.”

 

“Ooh look at me, I couldn’t get a good look with my sight.”

 

Duck turned his head to Aubrey and blanched.

 

“That bad?”

 

“Nah not like Stern is. It’s just...you got....”

 

Duck tried to find the words.

 

“You’ve still got the arrow in your chest.”


	6. The Damage is Done

Aubrey kept it together for about 30 full seconds before she lost it, and honestly Duck was kind of impressed.

 

She nodded, twice, three times, four- and then sprinted to the bathroom. After a moment (presumably the amount of time it took her to open her third eye) her shout carried down the hallway, and for half a second, Duck was seized with the conviction that he needed to make sure Agent Stern wasn’t investigating.

 

“What the FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK.”

 

Then he remembered that Stern was right next to him, looking as tired as he felt, and he figured. Silver linings. 

 

“Aubrey-”

  
“I’m pulling it out!”

 

“Aubrey don’t you think you should-”

 

“NOPE IT’S COMING OUT.”

 

“OH GOD IT HURTS-”

 

Duck looked over the door, noted that Indrid was not currently breaking it down, and sighed.

 

“Do you need some help?”

 

___

 

Duck thought that magical surgery really should really be someone else’s problem.

 

They’d convinced Aubrey to come into the clinic rather then trying to rip it out over the bathroom sink, and that felt like the most control Duck had over this situation. Duck was holding up a mirror, Ned was holding Aubrey’s shoulder.

 

Stern was wearing the glasses, his hand over Aubrey’s to show her how to pull the arrow out, and honestly, Duck was  _ scared to death.  _ They’d only just decided to trust the guy and now they were letting him mess around with Aubrey’s life.

 

But it’s not like any of the rest of them knew what the  _ fuck _ to do in this scenario. Ned, for all of the wild shit he’d gotten up to, had never been shot with a goddamn  _ bow and arrow  _ before.

 

Duck didn’t know what to think about the fact that apparently Stern _ had. _

 

Stern’s hands were steady over Aubrey’s.

 

“It seems counter-intuitive, but we need to pull the arrow through. The wound is already there, we don’t want to make it any worse. The arrow head is hooked so if you try to pull it out the other way it’s going to get caught. Alright. Nice and easy. Pull.”

 

Aubrey was shuddering, dropping her head into Stern’s shoulder.

 

“Fuuuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck-”

 

Stern took a deep breath, and then he  _ yanked _ . Aubrey yelped, her free hand pressing to the place the arrow had just been as Stern hefted the arrow, now visible and solid-looking in his palm.

 

Stern patted Aubrey’s back, her face still pressed into his shoulder.

 

“Doing alright?”

  
“Yeah, shit. Maybe Duck was right about not jumping straight to pulling it out-”

 

“Mhmm?” 

 

“Shut up Duck.” Aubrey took a deep breath.“I think I’m okay. Emotions are alright. How do I look?”

 

Stern pulled back, adjusting at the glasses.

 

“Normal, as far as I can tell. No glow.”

 

Aubrey snorted, looking nauseous. 

 

“We’re sure no one else has an arrow stuck in them?”

 

Duck snorted.

  
“I’m not going to dignify that with a response.”

 

Ned looked thoughtful, which would normally scare Duck a bit, but honestly, at this point, he’d take anything.

 

“What’re you thinking, Ned?”

 

Ned grinned.

 

“I’m thinking that I’m due for a little payback.”


	7. An angel's smile is what you sell

Boyd was honestly relieved when his cell phone rang with Ned’s stupid programmed in ringtone. He ignored the older woman’s glare (and the knowing stare of the bloke in the glasses, seriously, creepy) and picked up before soulja boy could get through another verse.

 

“Babe, I hope you’re calling to explain what the  _ fuck _ is going on, because none of your  _ compatriots  _ are being particularly helpful.”

 

Ned laughed, and  _ fuck _ Boyd missed that sound. Apparently it was easier when they didn’t have to look at each other. Ned got this awful furious guilt and-

 

Not the time for that.

 

_ “Have they told you that we’re both going to die at midnight?” _

 

Boyd sighed. “Frankly I had hoped that bit was intimidation.”

 

_ “Nope. So, i’m giving you a heads up, because I need your help again.” _

 

“Wracking up favors, Ned. You’re gonna owe me big for this one.”

 

“ _ I can think of a few ways I can make it up for you.” _

 

Boyd spluttered, taken off guard. Damn him. 

 

“ _ Anyway Duck’s giving me the stink eye. Can you say hi to Indrid for him?” _

“Which one’s that?”

 

“ _ Creepy tall one with the glasses.” _

 

Boyd raised an eyebrow at the man in question, who gave him a far too wide smile, and supplied- “Duck says hi?” 

 

“Oh that was an easy one.” 

 

The man gave an infuriating little humming chirp, and Boyd sighed.

  
“Message received.”

 

_ “Yeah, he does that. Anyway, Boyd, dear. Since it’s been exactly 2 minutes and 30 seconds, I am officially calling to apologize. _ ”

 

_ That  _ was concerning.

 

“Have you ever apologized for anything in your whole life, Ned?”

  
_ “Nah. Anyway. We stole your car.” _

 

“You WHAT-”

 

There was a screech from the parking lot, and Boyd swore, took a couple steps toward the door, and stopped.

 

“Ned. I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of chasing the car. Please tell me where you’re going to be so I can kill you.”

 

“ _ Just got one more warning for you. _ ”

 

“I’m not sure I was a big fan of the first one.”

 

_ “Duck.” _

 

“Duck?”

 

Boyd did not duck, and was still looking toward the door when the flash went off.

 

___

 

Mama swore, rubbing her eyes.

 

“What was that?”

 

Barclay sighed, patting his chest.

  
“I think we just got grifted. My necklace is gone.”

 

Indrid smiled at the open window.

 

“My. what an unexpected turn.”

 

Under the window, Aubrey held her breath to see if Indrid was going to give her away, but all he said was-

  
“I think we should reconvene to your office, Madeline. More private.”

 

When their footsteps faded, Aubrey booked it, the necklace in hand.

 

They had a monster to kill. 


	8. Promise me heaven, put me through hell

Duck led them into the woods, confident as he held the crystal out in front of him and focused on the brightening and dimming of the color as they played hot and cold. He looked happier than they’d seen him in weeks. Stern stayed at his elbow, holding a pistol and occasionally offering commentary on the color shades.

 

Ned took up the rear, toy blaster in hand, scanning the woods. Aubrey was between them, holding an unwieldy golden bow with the arrow strung. She was nervously plucking the string.

 

“Seriously Ned, I don’t know why the hell you have this.”

 

“Stole it.” Ned supplied absently, searching the tree-line. They all stopped walking as they realized what he said, and Duck turned back.

 

At least he looked casual.

 

“Who from?”

 

“Uh. Kevin Pollack. He had it in....the Santa Clause. It might have been 2? Or 3?”

 

“Wasn’t that bow really tiny?” Aubrey started walking again, and so did Duck, so Ned heaved a sigh of relief and forced his feet into action.

  
“Yeah. That’d be because we stole this one.”

 

“We? Oh, you and the guy from the lobby?”

 

Duck waved Stern back from where he’d walked ahead, taking a left turn.

 

“Yeah. That’d be my partner.”

 

“In crime or like....?” Aubrey sounded thoughtful.

 

“Yes.”

 

Stern snorted, and Ned winced. He’d forgotten for a moment that Stern was like, a real law enforcement officer.

 

“What went wrong?” Aubrey had dropped back to walk next to him, looking worried, and his chest twisted. Well. No getting away from it without bullshit, and he was getting sort of tired of lying to his friends.

 

Okay, well, he was still going to lie a little. No use admitting that he’d heard that conversation with mama.

 

“Job went wrong. We weren’t... violent people. Our job was to be quiet, get in, grab the stuff, and get out. Up to that last disaster we did a pretty good job of it. But I think Boyd woke somebody up. There was....”

 

Ned swallowed, not looking at Aubrey.

 

“...There was a fire.”

 

“Oh.” 

 

Her voice was small, so Ned just kept on.

 

“We got out as fast as we could. The cops showed up, and were after us, and Boyd was driving... and he went off the road. Crashed the car. I couldn’t get him out, the door was crushed. So I grabbed what I could get out of the trunk and left him.”

 

Ned’s chest twisted painfully, and his feet stopped.

  
“I...I left him.”

 

The crystal went up like a flare in Duck’s hand.

 

“Oh sh-”

 

Duck felt something tickle his throat, and his chest seized up. He sank, holding his chest, and through the glasses he saw the light in his chest get brighter and brighter. Stern was on the ground next to him, his chest like a solar flare, no longer moving.

 

He coughed up rose petals, and everything went red. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> VigilantShadow killed stern, blame them
> 
> (Spoilers, JK, I would have tagged for that)


	9. Your very first kiss/your first kiss goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's Gay

Dani was only half aware of it when the light in her chest faded.

 

She felt it when it happened- a rubber band between two hands being pulled back together rather than pulling apart to snap. An easing of pressure. It didn’t hurt to think about Aubrey- there was just the usual warmth.

 

The others flinched. Indrid was better at disguising it, but Barclay was rubbing slow circles on his chest the entire time, and Boyd was holding far too tight to the handle of a crowbar he’d convinced Mama to loan him. Something was wrong with the bond.

 

And so, Dani suspected they’d figured something out. She had hoped, quietly, that it was a solution they could apply to the others. That the light would fade soon. It hadn’t. She worried. Mama had acted, last time, because even once the cupid was dead the bond would have snapped at midnight anyway. Something had to ease the pressure, once the pull stopped. Something had to give.

 

Dani was hopeful that Aubrey had the answer, but she had a feeling from the set of Indrid’s mouth that there were many things that could go wrong. Too many potential futures.

 

She hoped they were in one of the good ones. 

 

She wasn’t sure.

 

What she knew was that they got to the pink light in the woods and Indrid broke out running and  _ collapsed. _ Mosche braced himself against a tree, and she had to grab Barclay’s elbow and pull him forward as they stumbled toward the light.

 

They broke through the trees.

 

Even without the bond, Dani felt the tug in her chest. She looked up and met Aubrey’s eyes.

 

Aubrey.

 

Aubrey was framed in pink light and rose petals that were falling in the air. Her hair seemed to glow in the backlight of the  _ thing _ behind her, and in her hands, she held a golden bow and a single gleaming arrow. She twisted to look at Dani and smiled.

 

“Hey, when this is over, do you wanna get dinner?”

 

Dani choked on a comeback about poor timing. She grinned, despite herself, feeling warm.

 

“Yes.”

 

Aubrey smiled back, lighting up like a flare, and then she turned. She lifted the bow and took a moment to aim.

 

She let go of the arrow.

 

____

 

Stern wasn’t moving.

 

Stern wasn’t moving and Barclay practically fell off of Dani’s shoulders- almost crawled to reach him as the pain in his chest-  _ pain that would level a human fuck what could he do what- _

 

He held Stern’s face in his hands, trying to check his pulse, feeling it pounding away far too fast. He could feel it in his hands and hear it in his own ears as their chests tied together.

 

And Barclay thought about Stern, self-conscious, always leaving the do-not-disturb sign out except when he was in the room, the way he was always there when Barclay checked if he wanted new sheets. He thought about the t-shots on Stern’s dresser he hadn’t bothered to hide when Barclay brought him breakfast.

 

Barclay had never had anyone just  _ trust  _ him.

 

He didn’t think he’d ever get the chance to trust Stern in return, and the thought crushed his chest like a snake closing it’s coils, and he remembered Indrid’s last, cryptic warning.

 

_ Show him how you feel however you can. _

 

Stern wasn’t conscious, but if Barclay didn’t do something he was never going to be conscious again. 

 

So Barclay did the only thing he could think to do.

He kissed him.

 

For a few terrifying seconds, Barclay was sure it wasn’t going to work. Stern was going to die and he was just going to be the idiot trying fucking fairy tale solutions and Stern was going to  _ die- _

 

And then Stern’s hands were in his hair and holding him close, and the pressure in his chest faded as he came up for air.

 

“Hey,” Barclay managed. “Can I tell you something?”

  
“Yeah?” Stern raised an eyebrow, smiling.

 

Barclay grinned back. 

 

“I’m Bigfoot.”

 

___

 

Indrid was half blacked out from the pain in his chest and his side from where he’d fallen, half sure he’d cracked a rib hitting the ground. Things were hazy. He couldn’t- he couldn’t see what was going to happen, the pain kept the images spinning at a dizzying rate. For a moment, he thought he saw Duck bent over him.

 

_ Indrid. _

 

Which timeline were they in? Was he ahead or behind? Did Aubrey miss?

 

_ Indrid. _

 

He felt the hand on his cheek, and this time, it felt real. 

 

“Indrid.”

 

Indrid tried to remember to breathe. There was warmth blooming in his chest, spreading from the point of contact with Duck’s hand. He tried not to choke on the words.

 

“Yes?”

 

Duck laughed, and Indrid couldn’t help but smile back.

 

“Indrid, Aubrey says we gotta try to...be honest. And see how that works out. So...I’m rather fond of ya’. Have been for a while. Was going to ask you out before I got shot by cupid, and if you don’t believe me, you should check my 200 google search queries about how to properly ask someone on a date, and the receipt for the chocolate in my car.”

 

“I know.” Indrid whispered. He felt the pain in his chest easing.

 

“I saw. The future just got messy when the abomination showed up...but...”

 

Duck laughed again, and Indrid smiled helplessly back.

 

“Well, what were you gonna say, then?”

 

Indrid closed his eyes, smiling up at the sky.

 

“I was going to say yes.”

  
  
  


Behind his glasses, Duck saw the angry red light ease into the air.

 

___

 

Boyd stumbled into the clearing.

 

Ned was still barely upright, spitting out rose petals, and he was in no state to resist Boyd grabbing him by the collar and heaving him two feet up and pinning him to a tree.

 

“Ned  _ Fucking  _ Chicane.”

 

Ned wheezed, fingerspelling w-a-i-t to Aubrey on the other side of the clearing.

 

“That’d be my name, yes. Fucking and all.”

 

“That does  _ not  _ surprise me.”

 

“Never was much good at surprising you, babe.”

 

Boyd  _ growled _ , and Ned was sure he wasn’t doing a good job of keeping how hot he found that off of his face.

 

“It is  _ not  _ very sporting of you to refuse to do a job that would let me go home, and then get shot by  _ Cupid _ . What was it, Ned? Did you ask me to knock you out because you couldn’t  _ stand _ to feel fond of me anymore?”

Ned felt the pain in his chest again, near blinding.

 

“Boyd-”

 

Boyd’s knees gave out, and they both went down, his old partner’s head in Ned’s shoulder.

 

“I can’t be with you or away from you, can I?” Boyd’s voice was tight with agony, and from the hand clutched on his chest, Ned was sure it wasn’t all emotional.

 

“I’ve always been happier to have you with me.” Ned barely got the words out, but the moment he did, the pressure started to ease.

 

“I- I love you, Boyd. I never stopped. It’s just that we stole a stupid necklace from the girl who just saved both of our fucking lives and I can’t- I’m not a good person. I don’t deserve this back-”

 

Ned felt a tennis shoe kick at the leg that wasn’t trapped under Boyd, and he looked up. Aubrey was standing over him, looking a little teary, but smiling.

 

“This is a lot, Ned, but if you self-sabotage yourself to death instead of saying sorry to my face I’m going to have to kill you myself. With fire.”

 

Boyd wheezed out a laugh, and Ned was shocked into one as well. He choked on it, burying his face into Boyd’s shoulder.

 

“I’m....I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

The pressure and the pain faded, and he just barely heard Aubrey say “ _ you’re forgiven”  _ before he heard her pad across the clearing- back to Dani.

 

Ned thought maybe everything was going to be alright.

  
  
  
  



	10. You give love (You give love)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning for....implied smuttiness. no actual smuttiness. also sorry.

“Aubrey.” Dani giggled, stumbling a little. She was blindfolded, her hand in Aubrey’s as her....girlfriend? Maybe? Maybe. Led her along. She could feel the ground give under her feet- soft. Moss, maybe? Were they in the woods?

 

“Aubrey, I don’t think you could take me anywhere in Kepler I haven’t already seen.”

 

“You might be right.” Aubrey sounded kind of proud. “So I’m not trying to. Instead-”

 

Aubrey pulled off the blindfold.

 

For a moment, Dani thought she’d been wrong, and that she wasn’t going to recognize where they were. But after a moment things came together- looking a little more familiar. She could see the path leading here behind them, a bit disused.

 

In front of them was a heavy log cabin with the emblem for the forest service on it, and Dani raised an eyebrow at Aubrey.

  
“Are we trespassing?”

 

Aubrey made a so-so gesture with her hand.    
  
“Technically, but Duck made sure the coast was clear. We’re doing a switch-up. We’ve got the cabin, Duck’s taking Indrid to the Cryptonomica, Ned’s cooking with Boyd at the lodge. Not sure what Sternclay are up to.”

 

Dani snorted.

 

“Sternclay?”   
  


“It’s their couple name! Stern and Barclay!”

 

Dani considered it. Mostly, she considered how absolutely horrified Barclay was going to be when he found out about it.

 

“I like it.” She squeezed the hand still in Aubrey’s. 

 

“So what are we doing out here?”

 

Aubrey grinned, pulling her toward the door.

 

“Well, Duck hid a couple of Gameboys with Pokemon here, so I was thinking-”

 

Dani went along, feeling warm and safe, and thinking about how she was going to  _ physically  _ and  _ enthusiastically  _ derail Aubrey’s plans the minute they were through that door.

____

 

Duck was a little distracted trying to think of whether or not he’d put the lysol in a easy-to-find place in the cabin as he got out of the car, opening the door for Indrid. He hadn’t bothered with the blindfold, despite Aubrey’s pouting, because seriously- why would he blindfold someone who could see the future?

 

Indrid hadn’t brought his sketchbook with him, which kind of surprised Duck, at least until he saw how relaxed he looked. He supposed there weren’t any disasters upcoming. They finally got some peace and quiet.

 

They’d earned it.

 

“So,” Indrid started, threading his fingers through Duck’s as he hopped out of the car.

 

“What have you got in mind for today?” His voice was warm with poorly-concealed excitement, and Duck was certain he already knew the answer. Still, Duck led him along to the front door of the Cryptonomica and unlocked it with Ned’s spare key. 

 

“Well, that depends. Do you wanna start with the bad movies or the worse movies?”

 

Indrid had started snickering before he’d even gotten the first word out, but Duck didn’t even remotely mind. 

 

“I’m not sure if you’re aware, Duck, but-”

 

“Oh yeah. They’re all the absolute worst. What, are we pretendin’ we have class now? You shoulda told me, I woulda worn my suspenders.”   
  


Indrid laughed, long and loud and undignified, and Duck held the door for him.

 

He had a feeling they weren’t going to watch much of the movie.

 

______

 

Boyd surveyed the kitchen with the look he got in his eyes when they were scoping out a job from across the street. Ned thought he probably shouldn’t find that reassuring, but it was so familiar that he couldn’t help it.

 

“So.” Ned waved his arm out, gesturing at the counter like he was trying to sell a new exhibit at the Cryptonomica. “We have already portioned out ingredients, all we have to do is follow a basic recipe and then we can eat cake. I told Barclay all we needed was the recipe, but he had, quote ‘tried my cookies at that goddamn board meeting’ and ‘wasn’t putting that poor man through that.’.”

 

Boyd snickered, as Ned had thought he would.

 

“He was right, though I don’t know how I feel about his descriptors.”

 

Ned thought that maybe once, a rebuttal to that would have come easy, he would have something to say and Boyd would tease him in return and before they knew it hours would have passed. He used to love the long drives they took across the country, talking about everything and nothing.

 

But they were still in the kitchen, and Ned didn’t know what to say.

 

After a moment, Boyd went over to the ingredients and the bowls and started pouring things together. After a moment, he said, mildly-

 

“Pass me the eggs?”

 

They were right at his elbow, but he was looking at Ned, and he was smiling. Ned sighed dramatically, but couldn’t keep down the smile.

 

“Alright you lazy bastard, if you’re sure you wanna trust me with such a delicate task-”

 

“I trusted you with lots of delicate tasks.” 

 

Ned thought for a moment that was a drag on how badly their last job had ended, but then he saw the way Boyd was smothering his smile, and snorted.

 

“Oh, is that what we’re doing- because i don’t recall anything about you being  _ delicate-”  _

 

They got eggshells in the batter and burned the cake, but it was the best thing Ned had ever tasted.

_________

 

“So,” Stern said, conversationally.

 

“We can’t go out into the kitchen because Ned’s having a date, Aubrey and Dani are gone, and so are Indrid and Duck...”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“...if I may be so bold. What are  _ we _ doing for Valentines Day?”

 

Stern was trying to look serious, but it was hard when Barclay was looking at him upside down. They were in Barclay’s room in the lodge, Barclay’s head in Stern’s lap as the agent picked out little bits of twig and bramble he’d gotten in it when he’d slipped down a creek while they were combing the woods. 

 

Barclay shrugged, feeling perfectly content with his lot in life.

 

“I was thinking we could go to the general store tomorrow and buy whatever Leo’s put on sale. After everything today I thought we could use some rest.”

 

Honestly, Barclay was worried about how Stern was doing  _ medically _ , and figured this was the best way to force him to rest, since neither of them wanted to give the hospital any explanations about Stern’s “heart troubles”.

 

Stern hummed, and for a second Barclay thought he’d fucked this up before it even properly started, but then Stern twisted a lock of Barclay’s hair around his finger and grinned.

 

“I like where your head’s at. But, I was just wondering, what’s within your definition of rest? I mean, you’ve got an awful lot of dirt in your hair. Think maybe you could use a shower.”

 

Barclay raised his eyebrows, grinning.

 

“Would it be forward of me to ask you to join me?”

 

“Very. Luckily for you, I like forward.”

 

____

  
Mama hadn’t been at the local bar in years, so when she pulled up outside she turned some heads. She strode in with her usual confidence, leaned over the bar, and asked- “How much for just a whole-ass bottle of wine? My kids are having a very good Valentines Day and don’t have the decency to do it  _ quietly.” _


End file.
